Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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