I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
