Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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