david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
