I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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