Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am naked and annoyed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
