I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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