i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
