In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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