I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
