9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
