i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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