dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
