omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
