so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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