Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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