The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
