Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
