Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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