If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
