You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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