Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
