I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is Oprah even human
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
