As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
