letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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