OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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