Plan B is the new Plan A
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And then he peed in my hair
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