please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
