i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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