um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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