Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
