Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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