I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
