life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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