In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry my hands just texted you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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