i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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