He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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