but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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