I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
