Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
