You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i've created a new STD.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
