My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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