how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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