don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
