upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You don't make any sense
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