I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
