I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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