i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
