bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
