I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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